And We're Back!

This year did not start out the way I hoped. With everything going on, my project healthy took a back seat. And then got kicked out of the car to make room for more crap. So, I’m starting over. Nothing else to do but that really.

So today is Day One, take two. Yes, it’s going to take me a while to get back on track. Yes, it’s going to be a giant pain in the butt and gut. But also - in the long run, it’s going to be worth it. This year has not been kind or friendly or even polite in its obscene desire to turn my life upside down, but I will not let this year get the better of me. I am tempted to say ‘Screw it’ and go bake a cake. I am. But today is not Friday and therefor, not my cheat day so I won’t. Today, I will get back on the bike, I will face off with the heavy bag, and I will feel better for it. Eventually.

Food wise - I imagine it’ll be an ok kind of day, if I can keep my eyes open and my stupid desire for junk food curbed. I want salty foods and chocolate and fruit sweet things. I may give in to all those cravings a little bit - just not to the extent that I wish to do so. I am doing this for myself so it shouldn’t be as hard as it is. But it is.

If, in one month, I have managed to make this work, I’ll treat myself. Maybe I’ll go get my hair done or buy something shiny. I’ll go day by day, week by week, month by month, until I am where I want to be. I will not feel guilty for having an off day (or two months). I will not berate myself because I quite simply have not had the will or the desire or the motivation to do what needs doing. I will simply try to do better. Can’t do much more than that in the long run anyway.

Day Twenty-one: Still not on track...

but I will get there. I guess I didn’t really expect to be. The only exercise I managed to get done today was marching up and down stairs doing a ton of laundry - both to catch up and keep up with my little boy being sick. Antibiotics are good for what they’re for, but man do they make my baby miserable. Hopefully it won’t take three weeks to get him back to normal like it does when he takes amoxycillian. There’s a reason I try to avoid amoxycillian with my baby. In any case - laundry and dog walking was my only real exercise today. Plus, I snacked too much. Things aren’t as settled as I wish they were - but given the last two weeks, I think we’re doing all right.

Perspective is important in any plan. Yes, this getting healthy stuff is important to me and it’s something I need to do, but there are times (even weeks) where the schedule/mood/health whatever just doesn’t make it possible to do it right. You (meaning I) can’t get discouraged about it, just try again the next day. Or the next.

I tried another recipe from that skinny crockpot cookbook. The Moroccan Lamb recipe. Now, having done two recipes from that book, I’m pretty sure this bland blah thing is a pattern. So, I may use the book for basics, getting everything put together and working out the calorie numbers but it definitely needs some spicing up. If I ever make the lamb again - it will be heavier on the spice. I’ve got the nose for spice and flavor usually (though every cook will sometimes make something that just is blah, I’ve been pretty lucky so far). I don’t know that I would recommend this particular cookbook for someone with a preference for rich or bold flavors - I haven’t seen any just yet. I will say, it has some great looking ideas, I just don’t care for how bland everything has turned out so far. Maybe I’ll have better luck with the next recipe, maybe not. Though, from now on, I won’t hesitate to make changes or additions as smell and taste dictate.

On to tomorrow - a new day, a new chance, and hopefully a brighter one.

Day Twenty - Priorities

So, I’ve been absent for the last few days and totally ignoring the Plan. Over the last few days, my youngest son has been in the ER twice and we stayed overnight once - pneumonia with dehydration. No fun. The first trip to the ER was OK, good doctor who treated me like a person who was neither stupid nor beneath him, and he diagnosed the pneumonia and sent us home with antibiotics. The second trip to the ER was not OK. Not at all. This doctor was a giant pain in the butt who treated me like I was both stupid and beneath her. She had no respect for my child’s fear or situation - and anyone who thinks that autism doesn’t effect things like sleeping in a strange bed with tubes coming out of you is an idiot. She had no respect for me or my concerns. Overnight at a hospital is bad enough but starting from there - when you’ve already been yelled at by a woman who you can’t imagine why on earth she became a doctor as she seems to dislike people - is no fun. Plus, I was already running on too little sleep myself, having been up and down and up and down with the little one for two nights already. Had I been running on all cylinders - I probably would have told the doctor off instead, she practically had me in tears and the hubster wasn’t getting why I was so distressed. It turns out, hospital rooms are COLD and hospital blankets are worthless and I won’t even get started on those “sleep” chairs. We came home yesterday and he’s done well - he’s so happy to be home. The most important part of coming home was, to him, his own bed in his own room (and NickJr). I didn’t sleep a whole lot last night either, obsessively checking his temperature. We’ve had one hot spike since we’ve been home but it responded well to meds and today has been blissful. His temp has been within normal range since 10 this morning. I may actually get a whole night’s sleep tonight. Except I know me, I’ll probably wake up two or three times wanting to check his temperature anyway. I can’t help it. I obsess.

This year has not started off the way I’d planned. Not in the slightest. Tonight, I’m doing something completely normal. Tonight, I’m having my friend over to watch Supernatural with a pan of double-chocolate brownies and some popcorn like we do almost every Friday night. It’ll be the first honestly normal thing I’ve done pretty much since my pap fell down the stairs two weeks ago.

Tomorrow is a new day and I’m looking forward to getting back on track with my plan. I’m sure there will be more wrenches thrown at me but I don’t think any can compare to the last two weeks. I know now that we likely don’t have long with my pap and I know that my baby is on the mend and I know that my oldest is still a near-teenager stretching his attitudinal wings. I can’t change the way things unfold this year, and I expect there to be times when I just don’t have it in me to worry about stupid things like calories in and calories expended. I’ve burned more calories pacing in the last two weeks than I think are countable in the first place. So - I’m just going to get back into the swing of things. What else can you do? Some things aren’t worth worrying about when there are more important things going on. Yes, I’m trying to get healthy for my kids as much as myself, but sometimes the short term needs eclipse the big picture. And sometimes, they damned well should.

~S

Day Sixteen: Some Recipes need Tweaked.

And some routines do too.


Apparently, posting on weekends when the youngest keeps waking me up and I’m in a constant state of exhaustion is going to be a trial. But, part of the point of this blog is to get me in a rhythm that is consistent so I shall endevour to keep trying.

Tried the first recipe from the skinny crockpot cookbook - it was OK, nothing spectacular and a little too wet but all of these things are fixable. A little onion in with the red pepper next time and maybe a dash or three of tobasco. Basically - it just needed some bolder flavor. But - for under 300 calories per serving, I’ll take it.

Food wise, I did pretty good this weekend. With the exception of Saturday (and too many little sweets when we went to visit my grandfather), I was under the count every day. I didn’t get much in the way of exercise but I was pretty tired too. Tonight, I’m not going to get any done either as my youngest isn’t feeling good and may not be going to school tomorrow.

Today was also a good food day - we went out for breakfast but I was still stuffed at lunch so ended up skipping that, then I had my quiche, and then because I was so far under, I made lemon bars and they are OH SO YUMMY.

I’m hoping to get back on track with exercise tomorrow - so long as the little one is feeling OK. It’s hard to exercise when you’ve got a wee little one who is clingy when he’s not feeling good.

Day Thirteen - Snow Day

Well, it probably should have been anyway, it’s so cold, blustery, and snowy. Food wise, I’m coming in under the count but barely and even then is only because I probably forgot to add something in and I’m not doing my usual friday night cheat. Usually, Friday is my big cheat day - there is nothing better than curling up with popcorn and something sinful to watch Supernatural with.

I am making pizza for dinner because I’m craving it - I have been since the “pizza” in the hospital. I don’t remember even tasting that stuff. Of course, I was eating and listening to the doctor and social worker at the same time so I suppose it’s probably to be expected for eating to be merely mechanical rather than hold any kind of enjoyment. It’s just really weird for me. I LOVE food.

Monday, I’m trying out one of my new crockpot recipes. Technically it’s supposed to be a breakfast dish but I’m going to make it for dinner - it’s a crockpot spinach quiche thing and looks so very very good. Another day next week, I’ll be trying out the morocan lamb recipe - mostly because I have a leg of lamb that needs cooking. Plus, it looked pretty good too.

My grandfather is home and I’m hoping, if the weather cooperates, to take the kids to see him tomorrow.

On a side note: a friend of mine posted something to facebook on a Plus sized Model talking about our 'standards of beauty' and I got to thinking that maybe I should be a little more clear in my goals. Though you can't tell from the picture, that goal dress I posted is a size 12. I want to be healthy, not the kind of girl that looks as though the breath of wind might knock me over. I don't want to look like a runway model - most of them strike me as androgynous anyway. I like my hips and my breasts and my scars and yes, even my stretch marks. I don't like the flab, the paunch, the feeling like I can't keep up or do the things I love to do. Everything I want to fix is well within reasonable limits. I have seen me at a size 6. It's not pretty either - and it's underweight for my frame. I'm looking for healthy, not Hollywood.

Day Twelve - a low key kind of day

Not much happened today. I didn’t really count my calories like I should but I didn’t snack like I wanted to either. I didn’t get much a chance to exercise. My youngest had me up on and off from 3am and today was therapy today with him. About the only thing I managed to do was a load of dishes, a load of laundry, and finish reading Sandman Slim (not a bad book - a little heavy on the Constantine parallels maybe but I can forgive that).

My grandfather is home now. Hospice brought in the bed and stuff today so he’s all settled in and I know this will be easier on my grandmother.

I am however having a craving - thanks to stupid food commercials. I want chili cheese tater tots. Darn you Sonic! Fortunately, I don’t have the fixings for that tonight or I’d probably be making it. So, I’ll take this as a bit of luck instead of being desperately disappointed.

Day Eleven - Updates and Explanations

Yep - I missed posting yesterday. I’ll get to that in a minute. I’ve been doing pretty good on the food thing but not so hot on the exercise thing. I keep forgetting to log everything into my food diary, but it’s not a big deal. With everything that’s going on - it’s just tertiary at best.

For those who read this and don’t know what’s going on, I’ll lay it out. Last Friday, my grandfather took a pretty bad fall at home. When the dust settled, he’d broken 8 ribs, fractured his scapula, two vertebrae, his pelvis in two places, and his skull. Scary enough at any age let alone his. There were some moments where we weren’t sure he was going to make it. But, as I’ve said before, my Pap is a fighter. Today, he woke up more clear than I’ve seen him in a while - that old sparkle had returned to his eyes and he was joking with us. It’s very clear that he wants to go home so that’s what we’re going to do - with some help of course.

Tomorrow, my hubster is going to help rearrange some furniture so hospice can bring in the special bed and other equipment they’ll need to bring him home. Hopefully, Pap will be home tomorrow. I think, in the long run, that will be better for everyone. It will certainly be easier for me to take the kids to see him. Yes, the long term outlook isn’t necessarily rosy, but boy it was good to see Pap smiling and laughing today. It was even better to laugh with him. And I’ll tell you what - that man has better eyes than me. He was reading billboards from his hospital bed that, if I took off my glasses, I could barely see the smudge of red that was the letters.

So - it hasn’t been the best week for this whole get healthy plan of attack, but we all have weeks like that. And I know it’s getting better because I even refused the lemon meringue pie today and that’s my favorite - especially when I get to steal it from my uncle.

Day Nine - One day at a time

Still am not counting calories or getting much in the way of exercise, unless you count pacing the floor. Last night was miserable. My youngest always picks up on the moods of the house and he knows I’m upset so he is too so we were up late and then early. Spent a good bit of the day at the hospital again, will likely do it again. For all my hopes that 2012 would be a better year than the last one, it’s not working out so well just yet. But, again, I’m not too concerned. Yes, I should have had the salad rather than the pizza (and it wasn’t even great pizza) but I did have a chicken salad for dinner so there. Yes, I should probably have picked water over soda (even if it was Coke Zero), but I wanted the sugar and the caffeine. I haven’t written anything other than these blog posts since friday night. I’ve tried, it’s just not working.

Tomorrow is another day. And that’s really all we can do - one day, one step, one minute at a time.

Day Eight - All The News that's Fit To Print

Today was another off day - didn’t record any calories or exercise but I’m not concerned with that. There wasn’t much in the way of snacking either. I went to the hospital to see my grandfather - he looks frail, he’s in pain (though with his injuries it would be more surprising if he wasn’t), but I’m not counting him out yet. That man is a fighter and the best man I’ve ever known. If all the people he has ever befriended, comforted, or otherwise touched, passed and not, were to stand together, we would fill my whole house to overflowing and still not have room to breathe.

Tomorrow will likely be another off day too but again - so not worried about it. There is no room for worrying about my weight today, tomorrow, or likely the next. I’m still trying to watch what I eat (watch it go from plate to mouth anyway) and trying not to eat too much junk. But - so very unworried about that tonight.

Hug the ones you love. Call the ones you haven’t seen in a while. Let them know you love them, that you are thinking of them.

Day Seven - An Off Day

Today, I’m not counting anything. I may go hit the heavy bag for a while later because it’d probably be good for me. Last night, my grandfather fell down the stairs. He broke a lot of things and it doesn’t really look good right now. I’m keeping the kids home on Monday and taking them to see him. My Pap is one of the best people I’ve ever known and it breaks my heart to think of this world without him in it. But, if that is where his road is leading right now, I’m comforted knowing at, if nothing else, he’ll be with Mom.

So - nothing much to see here today. I’m going back to cleaning my house and maybe taking a nap and playing with my boys. Just not capable of much more today.

Day Six - Oh so Fun!

Well, it looks like I’m going to have to rearrange my workout schedule. Until today, I’ve been doing my exercise at night after the kids go to bed. My fabulous hubster built the heavy bag stand today. Yay! But, it does make enough noise that I can’t do it when the kids are just getting to sleep so I’m going to have to switch to morning workouts - which is not a bad thing. Today - I had my workout done entirely before 12:30. Tonight is Friday and that means it’s cheat night. I always make something really yummy on Fridays for the watching of Supernatural. Tonight, I’m making oreo brownies.

I had great fun with my workout today - working the heavy bag and getting some tips from the hubster. Then I did some time on the bike to even it out. I could do the heavy bag EVERY day. So I probably will. It’s great fun. And it’s a fast sweat. And, it’s something I can do without feeling that draggy I don’t wanna do it kind of feeling.

On the food diary - breakfast wasn’t so good (well it was just not good for me) but I don’t go to Tudor’s very often. On the off set, Tudor’s breakfast fills me up so I don’t even think about lunch. Dinner is potato soup and that’s already in the crockpot. Dessert will be my brownies and some popcorn while watching the Winchesters kick some monster butt.

I still feel a bit crackly, but its in a good way. This kind of sore and achy just means there is progress being made. This kind of crackly is a good thing. So I don’t so much mind it. I think I am going to have to be careful and start wearing my knee brace some of the time. I’m also going to relugate one day a week to work ONLY on my stamina on the stationary bike. Come spring, I would really like to be able to sort of keep up with the hubster and our friends on the trail. Maybe even my baby brother if I can convince him to come riding with his dorky older sister.

Onward to tomorrow!

Day Five - A miscalculation and some progress too

Another pretty good day overall. I feel like I’ve gotten a lot done today in the house, though I have a LONG way to go before it is the way I want it. I’m going to need to start blocking out an hour or so for my writing now instead of blocking out an hour for house stuff. Food wise - I did great today. So great in fact that my app is going to yell at me for not eating enough (so I’ll likely add on some carrots and artichoke dip if I can actually get the jar open). Tonight’s exercise will be likely similar to last night’s.

I did, however, learn something not so good today. I was finally able to weigh in - it’s been about a year since I stepped on a scale - 273 days actually, according to the Wii fit (the only scale I have). I was off on my starting weight. By more than I figured I’d be. My actual start weight is 191. I hates me that number. I never want to see that number again. So, while I did pretty good inches wise, I did not fair so well with that number. I’m back to where I was last April. In fact, the Wii said I’d lost 1.1lbs since my last weigh in. I guess I should just be glad I didn’t gain more than that after my tumble off the fitwagon last year.

I picked up something interesting today - a book of low calorie recipes for my slow cooker. This makes me happy. Even happier because a number of them look really really good. I intend to make great use of this book. Though I’m not sure how it will turn out, I’m kind of looking forward to trying the slow cooker citrus cheesecake - just to see. And the french toast bread pudding too. These things don’t sound very low calorie to me so we’ll just have to see how it goes.

Though, from the looks of things - tonight’s exercise may get put on hold if this headache doesn’t quit. It started out as just an annoyance but it’s growing and growing. I don’t usually take anything - don’t like to - but I did knuckle under this time and take a tylenol. I want this to go away right this second. If it goes away - exercise will proceed as planned. If not, then probably not.

Day Four - Snap, Crackle, Pop

I was much less naughty today. All my splurges were in coffee form. (horrible splurges but oh so worth it for me.) My body feels like Rice Crispies - snap, crackle, pop - every single time I move. My thighs are screaming but my shoulders and back have that warm, achy, worked feeling. I think I like the warm, achy feeling some. I learned something very informative yesterday. I had to add in my kettlebell exercises on my app and the internet said that 20 minutes of swings = 400 calories lost. If that’s actually the case, that’s 100 calories/5 minutes. I could totally break that up and do several 5 minute stints in a day to reach my goal exercise regardless of bike, bag, or stretching.

Sometime this month, my plan is to get the heavy bag stand built so I can add that in. I love that particular exercise. It’s probably my favorite one apart from the kettlebell.

But - today is for cleaning. I have LOADS of dishes and laundry to do and I want to clean out my youngest boy’s closet before he gets home from school. Tomorrow, I’ll start organizing things to get put back in the closet so he can actually use it for what it’s for. The ultimate goal is to open up his room some. I’m going to have a TON of stuff for either yard sale or donation. We’ve already taken one trip to Goodwill and we’ll probably make a few more before the house is where we want it to be. And I have four or five boxes full of stuff for the yard sale I’m going to have in the spring

As far as my workout for today - Some yoga, some crunches, and some kettlebell will do it for me. Day Four has been a pretty decent day all around. Hopefully I can say the same for tomorrow.

Day Three - Not so much...

Oh how bad I was today... Subway... at least it wasn’t McDonald’s and I’ll make up for it with my workout. I know I’m going to be over my calorie count today and I’m ok with that. There’s no point in being too hard on myself when I slip. Because I totally will slip. And I totally understand why. Little disappointments do a lot to mess me up. I KNOW this. But I can’t seem to help it. Feeling slighted? Eat the second half of that yummy pastrami (yes I know there were a lot better options for a woman counting calories but it was so yummy). Get rejected again? Have some chocolate covered hazelnuts (not that I need too big an excuse to eat those). But all these little yummies add up to pretty big numbers when they’re all factored in. I don’t have a solid vent for all the junk so I turn to food and books - neither of those things are particularly good for my figure. Today I rewarded myself with an installment of JD Robb’s ‘In Death’ series and was pleased as I often am with that series. I have no idea what I was rewarding myself for - but I also am not going to pick at that particular thing too much. Hell, even if I did have a solid vent to type person, I still wouldn’t burden them with my issues. My issues at this point are small and matter to no one but me. Especially when every single one of my friends is going through issues right now that are a lot more burdensome then are mine. Though, down deep, I’ve only ever had one person in my life I felt I could tell absolutely everything to, no holds barred. I married him. My mom came close, but there were things I kept from her to protect her. Sounds stupid maybe, but in our situation, it was the best option. Before anyone reading this gets offended by that, don’t. I don’t like sharing my angst, my insecurities, my anything unless I feel they need to know that someone else has been there, that someone else gets it. It is not my place to make heavier the burdens of my friends who already carry too much. In short - today was not so good in terms of my long term plan but it won’t put a kink in the path either so it’s nothing to worry about.

Tonight’s exercises will ease up a little on my poor legs which still haven’t forgiven me for abusing them two days in a row. Tonight is yoga and ab work. Then, if my legs feel up to it, some kettlebell swings for good measure. It’s hard to do too much when the kids are home so I tend to wait until they go to bed. I could have done my exercises while they were at school, but I’d hoped to spend the morning with the hubster. Didn’t necessarily play out the way I wanted thanks to a delay and an impromptu lunch gathering he went to with a friend of his, so housework and books for me. I’m hoping this snow nonsense lets up and clears up in time for a normal school day tomorrow. I have things I want to do, dagnabit. Like play on the wii and work on organizing the youngest boy’s room or run a few errands than need running.

Day Two - Small Confessions

I have two secrets to tell today:

First: I hate my body - but it’s not really my body’s fault. It’s all in my head. And maybe a little in my tummy. I don’t want to be skinny - I think that’s a bad example to set to be honest and I don’t even have girls. I love my curves - when they are not hidden beneath this layer of padding anyway. I have real hips, real breasts, and never had to worry about filling out a top (usually quite the opposite actually). I love them. Sure I wish they were a little firmer, a little perkier maybe, but I wouldn’t trade my curves for anything.

The only real problem I have is this belly. I haven’t been pregnant for better than five years. I can’t get pregnant again. But I look like I could very well be preggers again. I hate to look at it, to know it’s there. Hubster doesn’t seem to mind (or if he does, he’s smart enough not to say anything). The problem is mine and it’s a problem that can easily slip out of control quickly. I see this tummy and I curse it and I hate it and then, guess what happens? I feel awful and eat something I shouldn’t. In that way, the cycle continues indefinitely. And it bites. And it makes me feel guilty for having eaten whatever I ate or ashamed that I can’t just fix it.

The second secret is this - any yes it’s quite contradictory - I love my body. Maybe not the size of it or the look of it, but how can I truly hate anything that held, nurtured, and grew two beautiful little boys? How can I curse anything that produced the milk to feed them, the arms to hold them, the legs with which to carry them? I don’t care about the miles of stretchmarks or the scar that marks the place where both my children came into the world. In fact, I’m kind of proud of that scar. It saved my life and my son’s life. It seemed the best option the second time around too, especially considering my youngest son was even bigger than his brother. So yes, I have a love/hate relationship with my body. Or at least my tummy. But, that’s kind of why we’re here, isn’t it? To make it less a love/hate and more a love/dislike.

I can honestly say I may never be comfortable with my figure. I’ve never been comfortable with it. I can live with that. Mostly. Plus, I may yet surprise myself and find, when all is said and done that I might be able to say simply - I love my body. I’d like very much to be able to do that.

As far as everything else today - I stayed under my caloric goal - I have NO idea how and managed to get in my kettlebell along with my housework and keeping the kids happy. Technically, I still owe five minutes on the bell but I plan to do that as soon as I've wrapped up this and after that, shower time and bed time. The hubster is still more motivated than me - running again. Not me, I couldn't run if you paid me. Well - onward to tomorrow.

Day One

Oh how unmotivated can a woman be? This day did not start the way I wanted it to, nor did the year. Fortunately, there are many more days in this year to make up for it. My body hates me right now... but I'll get to that in a minute.

I actually slept in - the kids actually let me - and I'm still stunned about that. All the way to 7:30am. That's a miracle in this house (at least for me). I didn't want to do anything but lay around, maybe read a book, but the hubster shamed me. First he got up early for him and set to work on the house again. I couldn't let him do it alone so I worked some too - dishes, laundry, going through stuff and throwing a LOT away. Then, while I took a nap, he went for a run. I'm thinking maybe he should be the one doing this blog... except, that I knew I'd have to do something today if only so I could come on and post. It wasn't much, just fifteen minutes (nearly 3 miles) on my stationary bike but it was something. I've also been good at counting my calories (even the ones I didn't want to record - thank you very much Kiffle horns.) and I'm doing pretty well. Well within my solid, healthy weight loss range. I just will have to keep dinner light for me which totally isn't a problem. And hold off on the snacking which might pose a problem. I love my snacks. I love sweets, chocolate, lemon everything. But if I eat any munchies tonight, they'll probably be something healthy (sigh). Plus, I intend to more housework tonight - I still have a Christmas village to put away and that means about twenty round trips to the basement. One set to bring up the empty boxes and the other to take them down. That should definitely count for something better than my paltry 15 minutes.

Day two I'm planning to get out my kettlebell and swing. I at least relatively enjoy that.