And We're Back!

This year did not start out the way I hoped. With everything going on, my project healthy took a back seat. And then got kicked out of the car to make room for more crap. So, I’m starting over. Nothing else to do but that really.

So today is Day One, take two. Yes, it’s going to take me a while to get back on track. Yes, it’s going to be a giant pain in the butt and gut. But also - in the long run, it’s going to be worth it. This year has not been kind or friendly or even polite in its obscene desire to turn my life upside down, but I will not let this year get the better of me. I am tempted to say ‘Screw it’ and go bake a cake. I am. But today is not Friday and therefor, not my cheat day so I won’t. Today, I will get back on the bike, I will face off with the heavy bag, and I will feel better for it. Eventually.

Food wise - I imagine it’ll be an ok kind of day, if I can keep my eyes open and my stupid desire for junk food curbed. I want salty foods and chocolate and fruit sweet things. I may give in to all those cravings a little bit - just not to the extent that I wish to do so. I am doing this for myself so it shouldn’t be as hard as it is. But it is.

If, in one month, I have managed to make this work, I’ll treat myself. Maybe I’ll go get my hair done or buy something shiny. I’ll go day by day, week by week, month by month, until I am where I want to be. I will not feel guilty for having an off day (or two months). I will not berate myself because I quite simply have not had the will or the desire or the motivation to do what needs doing. I will simply try to do better. Can’t do much more than that in the long run anyway.

Day Twenty-one: Still not on track...

but I will get there. I guess I didn’t really expect to be. The only exercise I managed to get done today was marching up and down stairs doing a ton of laundry - both to catch up and keep up with my little boy being sick. Antibiotics are good for what they’re for, but man do they make my baby miserable. Hopefully it won’t take three weeks to get him back to normal like it does when he takes amoxycillian. There’s a reason I try to avoid amoxycillian with my baby. In any case - laundry and dog walking was my only real exercise today. Plus, I snacked too much. Things aren’t as settled as I wish they were - but given the last two weeks, I think we’re doing all right.

Perspective is important in any plan. Yes, this getting healthy stuff is important to me and it’s something I need to do, but there are times (even weeks) where the schedule/mood/health whatever just doesn’t make it possible to do it right. You (meaning I) can’t get discouraged about it, just try again the next day. Or the next.

I tried another recipe from that skinny crockpot cookbook. The Moroccan Lamb recipe. Now, having done two recipes from that book, I’m pretty sure this bland blah thing is a pattern. So, I may use the book for basics, getting everything put together and working out the calorie numbers but it definitely needs some spicing up. If I ever make the lamb again - it will be heavier on the spice. I’ve got the nose for spice and flavor usually (though every cook will sometimes make something that just is blah, I’ve been pretty lucky so far). I don’t know that I would recommend this particular cookbook for someone with a preference for rich or bold flavors - I haven’t seen any just yet. I will say, it has some great looking ideas, I just don’t care for how bland everything has turned out so far. Maybe I’ll have better luck with the next recipe, maybe not. Though, from now on, I won’t hesitate to make changes or additions as smell and taste dictate.

On to tomorrow - a new day, a new chance, and hopefully a brighter one.

Day Twenty - Priorities

So, I’ve been absent for the last few days and totally ignoring the Plan. Over the last few days, my youngest son has been in the ER twice and we stayed overnight once - pneumonia with dehydration. No fun. The first trip to the ER was OK, good doctor who treated me like a person who was neither stupid nor beneath him, and he diagnosed the pneumonia and sent us home with antibiotics. The second trip to the ER was not OK. Not at all. This doctor was a giant pain in the butt who treated me like I was both stupid and beneath her. She had no respect for my child’s fear or situation - and anyone who thinks that autism doesn’t effect things like sleeping in a strange bed with tubes coming out of you is an idiot. She had no respect for me or my concerns. Overnight at a hospital is bad enough but starting from there - when you’ve already been yelled at by a woman who you can’t imagine why on earth she became a doctor as she seems to dislike people - is no fun. Plus, I was already running on too little sleep myself, having been up and down and up and down with the little one for two nights already. Had I been running on all cylinders - I probably would have told the doctor off instead, she practically had me in tears and the hubster wasn’t getting why I was so distressed. It turns out, hospital rooms are COLD and hospital blankets are worthless and I won’t even get started on those “sleep” chairs. We came home yesterday and he’s done well - he’s so happy to be home. The most important part of coming home was, to him, his own bed in his own room (and NickJr). I didn’t sleep a whole lot last night either, obsessively checking his temperature. We’ve had one hot spike since we’ve been home but it responded well to meds and today has been blissful. His temp has been within normal range since 10 this morning. I may actually get a whole night’s sleep tonight. Except I know me, I’ll probably wake up two or three times wanting to check his temperature anyway. I can’t help it. I obsess.

This year has not started off the way I’d planned. Not in the slightest. Tonight, I’m doing something completely normal. Tonight, I’m having my friend over to watch Supernatural with a pan of double-chocolate brownies and some popcorn like we do almost every Friday night. It’ll be the first honestly normal thing I’ve done pretty much since my pap fell down the stairs two weeks ago.

Tomorrow is a new day and I’m looking forward to getting back on track with my plan. I’m sure there will be more wrenches thrown at me but I don’t think any can compare to the last two weeks. I know now that we likely don’t have long with my pap and I know that my baby is on the mend and I know that my oldest is still a near-teenager stretching his attitudinal wings. I can’t change the way things unfold this year, and I expect there to be times when I just don’t have it in me to worry about stupid things like calories in and calories expended. I’ve burned more calories pacing in the last two weeks than I think are countable in the first place. So - I’m just going to get back into the swing of things. What else can you do? Some things aren’t worth worrying about when there are more important things going on. Yes, I’m trying to get healthy for my kids as much as myself, but sometimes the short term needs eclipse the big picture. And sometimes, they damned well should.

~S

Day Sixteen: Some Recipes need Tweaked.

And some routines do too.


Apparently, posting on weekends when the youngest keeps waking me up and I’m in a constant state of exhaustion is going to be a trial. But, part of the point of this blog is to get me in a rhythm that is consistent so I shall endevour to keep trying.

Tried the first recipe from the skinny crockpot cookbook - it was OK, nothing spectacular and a little too wet but all of these things are fixable. A little onion in with the red pepper next time and maybe a dash or three of tobasco. Basically - it just needed some bolder flavor. But - for under 300 calories per serving, I’ll take it.

Food wise, I did pretty good this weekend. With the exception of Saturday (and too many little sweets when we went to visit my grandfather), I was under the count every day. I didn’t get much in the way of exercise but I was pretty tired too. Tonight, I’m not going to get any done either as my youngest isn’t feeling good and may not be going to school tomorrow.

Today was also a good food day - we went out for breakfast but I was still stuffed at lunch so ended up skipping that, then I had my quiche, and then because I was so far under, I made lemon bars and they are OH SO YUMMY.

I’m hoping to get back on track with exercise tomorrow - so long as the little one is feeling OK. It’s hard to exercise when you’ve got a wee little one who is clingy when he’s not feeling good.

Day Thirteen - Snow Day

Well, it probably should have been anyway, it’s so cold, blustery, and snowy. Food wise, I’m coming in under the count but barely and even then is only because I probably forgot to add something in and I’m not doing my usual friday night cheat. Usually, Friday is my big cheat day - there is nothing better than curling up with popcorn and something sinful to watch Supernatural with.

I am making pizza for dinner because I’m craving it - I have been since the “pizza” in the hospital. I don’t remember even tasting that stuff. Of course, I was eating and listening to the doctor and social worker at the same time so I suppose it’s probably to be expected for eating to be merely mechanical rather than hold any kind of enjoyment. It’s just really weird for me. I LOVE food.

Monday, I’m trying out one of my new crockpot recipes. Technically it’s supposed to be a breakfast dish but I’m going to make it for dinner - it’s a crockpot spinach quiche thing and looks so very very good. Another day next week, I’ll be trying out the morocan lamb recipe - mostly because I have a leg of lamb that needs cooking. Plus, it looked pretty good too.

My grandfather is home and I’m hoping, if the weather cooperates, to take the kids to see him tomorrow.

On a side note: a friend of mine posted something to facebook on a Plus sized Model talking about our 'standards of beauty' and I got to thinking that maybe I should be a little more clear in my goals. Though you can't tell from the picture, that goal dress I posted is a size 12. I want to be healthy, not the kind of girl that looks as though the breath of wind might knock me over. I don't want to look like a runway model - most of them strike me as androgynous anyway. I like my hips and my breasts and my scars and yes, even my stretch marks. I don't like the flab, the paunch, the feeling like I can't keep up or do the things I love to do. Everything I want to fix is well within reasonable limits. I have seen me at a size 6. It's not pretty either - and it's underweight for my frame. I'm looking for healthy, not Hollywood.

Day Twelve - a low key kind of day

Not much happened today. I didn’t really count my calories like I should but I didn’t snack like I wanted to either. I didn’t get much a chance to exercise. My youngest had me up on and off from 3am and today was therapy today with him. About the only thing I managed to do was a load of dishes, a load of laundry, and finish reading Sandman Slim (not a bad book - a little heavy on the Constantine parallels maybe but I can forgive that).

My grandfather is home now. Hospice brought in the bed and stuff today so he’s all settled in and I know this will be easier on my grandmother.

I am however having a craving - thanks to stupid food commercials. I want chili cheese tater tots. Darn you Sonic! Fortunately, I don’t have the fixings for that tonight or I’d probably be making it. So, I’ll take this as a bit of luck instead of being desperately disappointed.

Day Eleven - Updates and Explanations

Yep - I missed posting yesterday. I’ll get to that in a minute. I’ve been doing pretty good on the food thing but not so hot on the exercise thing. I keep forgetting to log everything into my food diary, but it’s not a big deal. With everything that’s going on - it’s just tertiary at best.

For those who read this and don’t know what’s going on, I’ll lay it out. Last Friday, my grandfather took a pretty bad fall at home. When the dust settled, he’d broken 8 ribs, fractured his scapula, two vertebrae, his pelvis in two places, and his skull. Scary enough at any age let alone his. There were some moments where we weren’t sure he was going to make it. But, as I’ve said before, my Pap is a fighter. Today, he woke up more clear than I’ve seen him in a while - that old sparkle had returned to his eyes and he was joking with us. It’s very clear that he wants to go home so that’s what we’re going to do - with some help of course.

Tomorrow, my hubster is going to help rearrange some furniture so hospice can bring in the special bed and other equipment they’ll need to bring him home. Hopefully, Pap will be home tomorrow. I think, in the long run, that will be better for everyone. It will certainly be easier for me to take the kids to see him. Yes, the long term outlook isn’t necessarily rosy, but boy it was good to see Pap smiling and laughing today. It was even better to laugh with him. And I’ll tell you what - that man has better eyes than me. He was reading billboards from his hospital bed that, if I took off my glasses, I could barely see the smudge of red that was the letters.

So - it hasn’t been the best week for this whole get healthy plan of attack, but we all have weeks like that. And I know it’s getting better because I even refused the lemon meringue pie today and that’s my favorite - especially when I get to steal it from my uncle.